


From Afar

by KumoriYami



Category: Hakuouki
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, Emotional Hurt, F/M, Hurt, One-Sided Attraction, Tragedy, Unrequited Love, slightly suicidal thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-12
Updated: 2019-12-11
Packaged: 2020-05-01 18:01:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19182928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KumoriYami/pseuds/KumoriYami
Summary: Watching her figure leave... Souji knows that he's as good as dead... in more ways than one.au story of souji deciding to take the ochimizu in saito's route and what follows





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this idea has kinda been bothering me for a while and I figured I might as well go and post it as I go. 
> 
> written, in my opinion, a bit oddly since it feels like how I think Souji's pov would go... and because I thought it didn't make sense for him not to take the Ochimizu given the opportunity.... also because i like how souji shows up in hakumyu saito-hen, though i confess that i don't really like souji's route.

Chizuru-chan... she somehow likely knew that he did not have a common cold. That was the only conclusion that he had come to observing her actions and behaviour now that Hajime-kun wasn't around to cover for her more than obvious honesty.... and it was likely that she also knew what what disease what starting to ravage his body.

The only known ways in stalling the effects of the disease _\- not treating it since he knew the diagnosis meant that he was good as dead_ , was rest and having more nutritional meals... and Chizuru-chan had made an effort to ensure he had just that and whatever medicine she had to help his coughing.

Chizuru-chan knowing... was likely because she had been with Hajime-kun at the time Dr. Matsumoto had given him the news since there was no way the kid could avoid his detection given her inability to hide... and owing to that trail of thought, it wouldn't be surprising if Yamazaki-kun knew as well since he knew that even he had difficulties in detecting the member of the Watch at times.

Thinking of how others knew about his condition... Souji could not help but sigh as he sat up in his futon and cleaned his katana, not that there was really any point in him doing so as it was going to be useless lump of metal in his hands. After all, he knew that his body was slowly deteriorating each day... and it was only a matter of time before he wouldn't even be able to stand up under his own power given the stories he had heard... At the very least, he knew that Yamazaki-kun could be counted on for his silence since he knew what to shut up about, and despite how Hajime-kun had gone and betrayed Kondou-san and Hijikata-san when he had left with Itou-san along with Heisuke... he knew that the former third captain wouldn't rat him out and cause unnecessary problems.... The problem he had was with Chizuru-chan.

Chizuru-chan, who wore her heart on her sleeve, was likely best not to confront about his secret given how terrible she was hiding what she was feeling... and given how it was plain to see how her emotions were so much more visible now since she was still upset at Heisuke's and Hajime-kun's departure... intuition told him it was more Hajime-kun who she was concerned for since they had talked before he left, Souji knew that she couldn't be counted on not making a commotion that could attract the attention of the other captains... or worse, Hijikata-san who would certainly go blabbing to Kondou-san and probably try and get him kicked out of the Shinsengumi... or attempt to convince Kondou-san that he had to go back to Edo despite everything if he asked her about what she knew.

Still.... it was likely that Hajime-kun had told Chizuru-chan _something_  that kept her quiet before he left that probably related to the overall health of the Shinsengumi since he could tell that she wasn't trying to attract any attention to him with her actions... though the fact that Chizuru-chan was probably only doing this for Hajime-kun rubbed him the wrong way.

Out of all the Shinsengumi Chizuru-chan was allowed to interact with... aside from Yamazaki-kun who she was spending more of her time nowadays in an effort to learn more about medicine since the Watch member was learning directly from Dr. Matsumoto, she had probably been closest to Hajime-kun when compared to the others.

Hijikata-san likely didn't think much of Chizuru-chan aside from her being an extra pair of hands who could bring messages around who happened to be good at Edo-styled cooking since she was useless in a fight and because the Shinsengumi was committed to finding Kodo and keeping her safe from Kazama... Gen-san, Shimada-kun and Kondou-san viewed her as someone who needed to be looked after... Shinpachi-san though of her as a kid, Sanan-san saw her as a nuisance...

Then there was Heisuke, Sano-san and himself. The youngest former captain had an obvious crush on Chizuru-chan and had a tendency to worry for her unecessarily.... whereas Sano-san.... Sano-san was likely similar to himself in that they both liked Chizuru-chan though neither of them said anything, though he suspected the spearman didn't do anything because he knew how well she thought of Hajime-kun.

If he were to speak honestly, even he would have to admit how it was hard not to like Chizuru-chan... she was busybody who was never not concerned for everyone and anyone who just couldn't stop herself from going out of her way to try and cheer them up however she could.... though she always maintained a bit of a distance from him, likely because he had threatened to kill her so many times...

A bitter smile surfaced on to his face as Souji heard the sound of familiar footsteps from beyond his door, and he fought back the urge to sigh as he set down his katana. Those were her footsteps... The ones that Hajime-kun always seemed to be looking out for... and while Souji was loathe to admit how he was a bit jealous at his former colleague's relationship with Chizuru-chan, that attention of his had been why he had teased the man for how considerate he was to the kid... Still the fact that _that_  Hajime-kun had someone had someone worrying about him... even after leaving the Shinsengumi, whereas all he had was Kondou-san, who he didn't want to know about his tuberculosis.... was a bit depressing.

"Okita-san, are you awake?" Hearing her voice quietly call out to him from beyond his door, he could practically imagine Chizuru-chan's brows furrowing as she stared at the door, worrying about somehow waking him up if she spoke too loudly.

"You can open the door, I'm awake." Her head bows as she slides open the door before stepping in. How she could be polite to everyone never failed to perplex him. "What is it, Chizuru-chan?"

Her eyes scan his room while she walks over, as if searching for traces of dust to clean up since she had once explained to him how it could contribute to breathing problems if it wasn't removed, and soon, she reaches the side of his futon. When their eyes meet , she smiles but he can tell that it's one that's slightly forced... likely since she was trying to stop herself from thinking of his illness. "I'm going to be starting dinner preparations soon. Would you like me to get you some soup or porridge right now? I know you weren't at lunch..."

Her voice trailed off, and he could see that her hands were clenched nervously as her offer hung in the air. He knew that he missed breakfast since he had slept in.... but he missed lunch as well? Staying indoors and in his room all day resting was really messing with his sense of time... and ignoring how he felt that he had no appetite probably wouldn't be good so he settled on what he thinks will be easier to digest and nods. "Porridge, please, and-"

"And with daikon, and no green onions, I know!" Chizuru-chan's smile widens with genuine happiness as she heads towards his room's door, and if he didn't know her, he'd probably think that she was trying to escape, though it was because he knew her, he understood that she was happy to be of use. "I'll have it brought as soon as it's ready!"

Chizuru-chan bows as she exits his room almost hastily.... and watching her figure leave... Souji knows that he's as good as dead... in more ways than one.

* * *

It was roughly half a year since he had last seen Hajime-kun.... and while he saw Chizuru-chan's face light up at the news of how he was still a member of the Shinsengumi, that joy quickly turned into shock because of the news that he brought with him.

Itou-san wanted to have Kondou-san killed...

The very thought of it is enough to drive him into rage, but no thanks to Hijkata-san, Souji was once again told that he wasn't allowed to do anything on account of his cold. His damnable, fucking _cold_... It's bad enough that the number of rounds he had been allowed to conduct had gradually decreased over time before they stopped altogether, but this... to not be able to help Kondou-san now... felt so much worse, and Souji had half a mind to go and find Sanan-san to get his hands on vial of Ochimizu.

He doesn't though... however it's more that he _can't_  since, as Hijikata-san says, he ends up playing around with Hajime-kun in the days leading up to when they plan on assassinating Itou-san. In some ways, Souji is grateful in how he ends up sparring with the silent swordsman... especially knowing how Hajime-kun would say nothing of his deteriorating health to his face until the very end..... though Souji knew that the man had an idea of how weak he had become. He had purposely gone out of his way to match the force of whatever swings he could manage, a consideration that Hajime-kun knew that he wouldn't feel too insulted by - and the only allowance he had made for him as a swordsman and samurai, since it was true how Souji was well aware of how he was no longer capable of swinging his sword with the strength he could before, and Hajime-kun was only doing so to match him while he _could_  wield a blade. Hajime-kun does however bring Chizuru-chan with him whenever they head over to the dojo, _I promised Yukimura before that I would allow her to watch sword practice_ , he says as an excuse, though Souji knows better though he also knew that he couldn't argue since the other captain was taking cautionary steps in case something did happen. Still... between her and Yamazaki-kun... he'd choose her any day since he knew that if he collapsed, he could count on Hajime-kun to have her stay quiet... or he could threaten to kill her while he still could, whereas Yamazaki-kun would undoubtedly report such a thing to Kondou-san and Hijikata-san...

It's the day that Itou-san is to die when Souji finally finds himself alone and without anyone checking up on him. Most of the compound had been emptied, and aside from the rasetsu and a few personnel and members of the Watch who were on standby or were simply not well, the rest of the Shinsengumi were elsewhere, with the sixth division providing the illusion that the Shinsengumi wasn't doing anything out of the ordinary as they were out on patrol, while the second and tenth divisions were probably busy slaughtering the Guard, and Heisuke... and the third squad was out guarding that Mirua fellow wherever he was...

Which makes it more than a bit of surprise when a soldier barges into his room, then followed by more than few others since hardly anyone visited him since officially he was sick and his isolation was a precautionary measure to reduce others catching it, not that he knew if tuberculosis could be passed on like a common cold, but none of these people were one of the captains or from the Watch...

Were they here because of the commotion he heard from outside? While Souji instinctively reached for his katana and wanted to ask if anything had happened, he stopped immediately upon seeing how these trespassers' eyes turned red and their hair white.... "Blood... give me your blood!"

His eyes widened.

The Rasetsu Corps had lost control.

Unsheathing his katana as his mind came to such a conclusion, Souji flings the scabbard somewhere behind him as he wryly smiles. This would probably one of the last times he would be able to wield his blade as the Sword of the Shinsengumi.... that is, _if_ he didn't die.

Driving his sword into the throat of the rasetsu that looked as if was about to attack first, for a moment, Souji contemplated letting himself fall. He certainly didn't a fear of death like a normal person, and he had already accepted how he was dead on the inside.... _But as a samurai and as a sword,_  he certainly would prefer to die in battle rather than in bed....

Of course the problem with dying now was that he was at the Shinsengumi's headquarters.... which unlike the streets of Kyoto... probably wouldn't look very good though Souji knew that he could care less for the concept of luck... There was of course, the issue of how if he died now, his body would probably end up being hacked for his blood by the Shinsengumi's rasetsu.... and Souji had to admit how Kondou-san probably wouldn't want to see him dead like that or in pieces like a mangled corpse drained of its blood.

So he fights to live. To live in the knowledge how this was going to be one of the last times he could ever even draw his blade since that stupid vice-commander had already made it so that he couldn't go on the rounds anymore, and made it almost impossible for him to even have the chance of having a sword stuck in him...

Two, three. More bodies fall as he swings his sword again, though Souji can feel that his own body wants to collapse when he blocks the blade of one of the rasetsu, and again when evades the attack of another that just manages to slice off the tips of some of his hair. Disregarding the state he was in, he could at least say that his sword wasn't entirely rusty as Souji finds the heart of another rasetsu and began to carefully aim at the vitals of another while he wished that he had been like Sanan-san and swiped some of the Ochimizu before when he had the chance...

"At least I'm not fighting everyone in the rasetsu corps...." Speaking is harder, and he probably shouldn't have even opened his mouth to do so as Souji licked at some of the blood that landed on him after yet another kill.... though he had to say... this did make him feel alive. Alive in the sense that he wasn't someone waiting for the end.... Alive in how he had a purpose that he could fulfill...

He however does acknowledge that the close quarters likely played a role in how he felt that his opponents weren't using as much strength as they could since Souji was fairly sure that the fresh blood of the men he had slain was playing a role in hindering them.... though once Souji could see the end, he could feel his body giving out. _This is the end for me isn't it...?_

"Okita-san!" Although he can hear the Watch member, and what he thinks is several knives being thrown, Souji doesn't see him as he falls to his knees while refusing to let go of his sword. If he lets go now... he might as well give himself up for dead. 

There's what he thinks is the familiar sound of a blade being unsheathed and metal being driven into flesh as Souji finds himself hitting the floor and joining the other corpses, and as much as he badly wants to close his eyes, he sees Yamazaki-kun's panicked face looking into his eyes soon after as he says something before helping him sit against the wall, likely so that he can breathe a bit better, and away from the dead rasetsu, and again before he disappears... probably to get help or tell Gen-san what happened.

Much to his dismay however, it's not Gen-san that Yamazaki-kun brings back but Chizuru-chan and Hajime-kun... both who were already looking rather tense. Her being worried was probably natural given her capacity to do so.... though Hajime-kun was an entirely different story. Did some part of Itou-san's assassination not go as planned? Had Kondou-san or Gen-san been hurt...? Or had headquarters been attacked...?

Unfortunately Souji has no strength to ask any questions much less speak as he watched Chizuru-chan smack her pale cheeks before she began talking to Yamazaki-kun, likely discussing on whatever they needed to do as they both looked in his direction while he could see Hajime-kun seriously nod to whatever was being he said before he left the room, returning a few minutes later with a pail of water and an assortment of bandages which he then handed to Chizuru-chan who looked like she was on the verge of tears.

She was trying very hard not to look in the direction of the dead rasetsu.... though Souji could tell that her complexion looked slightly better after Hajime-kun said something and looked towards him before he started moving the bodies while Chizuru-chan walked over to him, doing her best to smile as she started wiping some of the blood that was still on him. Her eyes were genuinely sad.... and seeing such an expression, Souji knew that they probably don't have any choice but to tell Kondou-san and Hijikata-san about what happened now and what shape he was in....

Souji does try to his best to put on a smile for her, as if that would somehow reassure her, but his eyes feel too heavy, and Chizuru-chan's worried face is the last thing he sees before he passes out.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long chapter... took me a while to finish this chapter since I couldn't think of how to transition a few things....and because I wasn't writing at all lol. Since the last chapter I've taken to translating some Hakuoki stuff from Chinese into English (stuff on my tumblr if you look up kumoriyami-xiuzhen if interested), which has been fairly time-consuming... not to mention difficult at times.
> 
> *sigh*  
> i swear, i'm going to go and write something that's somewhat fluffy when this is done.....

It's when he sees the rest of the Shinsengumi again has Souji's rage towards Hijikata-san for not protecting Kondou-san has dissipated somewhat since it's right when he learned of Gen-san's death... and of how Yamazaki-kun probably would be joining him soon given the Watch's condition. To say that he was depressed... would be a complete understatement as he was already upset at how he had been shipped off to Osaka Castle almost a month earlier because he couldn't even fight anymore... and therefore could do nothing at Toba-Fushimi from where the Shinsengumi returned from in defeat.

The magistrate office that they were supposed to guard had gone up in flames... pretty much every division, even of what had been left of the Rasetsu Corps had suffered losses... and while it hadn't been common knowledge at the time since Hijikata-san had yet to call a meeting of the captains as he was too busy worrying with what the Shinsengumi's next move would be since the so-called lord Yoshinobu had gone and turned tail, fleeing for Edo while he left all his men, and the Shinsengumi behind.... Souji could only imagine how bad Kondou-san felt upon hearing the news of such cowardice... yet in a twisted way, he truly had envied the Shinsengumi's dead. At least they had been able to die in battle whereas his own death was only a matter of time... _doomed to die in bed._

Things did however did pick up, if only slightly, around the time Hajime-kun arrived at the castle with the survivors of his squad along with a rather miserable looking Chizuru-chan, just about when it was decided that the Shinsengumi would be heading to Edo, though for a while, it did seem that almost everyone was more than a little lethargic at the news despite how surprising it had been to hear of how Hajime-kun had drank the Ochimizu and of how the Satcho had someone with more knowledge of the rasetsu than Sanan-san, who Souji privately suspected was Kodo as that would explain some of Chizuru-chan's anxiety.... though he did think that most of it was owed to how she believed to be the reason for why Hajime-kun had become a rasetsu.

Hajime-kun, of course, had said nothing of his reasons as usual and that he didn't regret his choice, but Souji didn't believe that the more level-headed of the Shinsengumi hadn't come to their own conclusions. No normal opponent could have possibly been able to force Hajime-kun into a situation where he had no choice but to trade away his humanity in exchange for such a cursed power in a fight, regardless of the weapon aside from the oni... and it was more than likely that Kazama had been his opponent from the way Chizuru-chan looked at Hajime-kun since he had probably done so in order to protect her from him....

The whole idea of Hajime-kun throwing away any hope for a sense of normalcy in the future for the power to protect Chizuru-chan, though Souji knows how he would insist that it was because of Hijikata-san's orders.... really suited him. Disregarding how Hajime-kun was a near complete blockhead when it came to acknowledging or even noticing his own feelings, it was true that Hajime-kun was the type of person who would do everything and anything he could to protect who and what he cared for.... so why on earth could Souji not find it within himself to do the same?

His knee-jerk reaction was that Kondou-san would obviously be sad, perhaps even horrified if he did take the Ochimizu, but when Yamazaki-kun finally passes on from the complications of his gunshot wound that Chizuru-chan had done her best to tend to, not even a week into their ship ride to Edo, Souji finds himself seriously contemplating about drinking the horrid stuff, shutting himself in his room for days to think despite how he had heard Chizuru-chan say that the fresh air would probably do his health good with Kondou-san agreeing with her.

Come to think of it, what had Kondou-san said after Sanan-san had taken the Ochimizu? Something about how he didn't care what the man had become and that he was grateful how the other was still alive...? He had been the same with Heisuke... and Souji knew that he couldn't deny how sorrowful Kondou-san had been at the sham funeral that they had put on for the former turncoat captain, now rasetsu... dead to the world aside from his ties to the Shinsengumi.

Eventually Souji does leave his room to get some air, though it's more that he's coerced into doing so by Kondou-san during one of his daily visits, with his grief for Yamazaki-kun all too visible having had no time to mourn. No matter how badly he wanted to avoid people... Souji had no intention of giving Kondou-san another reason to to worry about him, especially since he himself was still recovering from a gunshot wound to the shoulder, and obediently made his way to the ship's deck.

While Souji does find himself liking the warm breeze that greets him, the sun's presence unfortunately meant that he would have to try finding Sanan-san later... and when no one else was around if he didn't want to draw unnecessary suspicions from Hijikata-san... who was thankfully nowhere in sight at the moment... That man was probably busy thinking of the Shinsengumi's next move that wouldn't involve him....

"Souji? You here to enjoy the sun?" Seeing the spearman's eyes widen slightly as he stepped outside, Souji bitterly smiled. Ever since they had left for Edo, he had pretty much refused to see anyone aside from Kondou-san whenever he was awake since hardly anyone, with the exceptions being Hajime-kun and Hijikata-san, both of whom he was privately sure that they didn't trust him to take his medication which was why Kondou-san was almost always bringing it to him, could look at him without pity or sadness while they failed in their feeble attempts to to hide however they thought of his condition... which Souji seriously did not need. Compared to the others however, it could at least be said that Sano-san tried not to be too obvious with his concern.... though his honesty was still fairly visible.

"Yeah... Kondou-san and Chizuru-chan said that it'd probably do me some good. That, and something about how fresh air is good for my health." She had said something about how air circulation could improve one's breathing one of the rare times she had brought him something to eat while she had been ordered to take a break from tending to Yamazaki-kun... though he hadn't really bothered to pay attention to the whatever she had said since he knew that his time was running out quickly anyway.

Sano-san makes a somewhat affirmative sounding noise as he tilts his head over to the side, and Souji understands that this is a consideration for him on his part so that he won't collapse to the floor as they slowly walk over to lean against the railing of the ship. Both of them look over the ocean. "...Weird to think that a war's being fought right now with how peaceful everything looks from here."

The comment is softly spoken, but Souji could tell that the other was truly upset over what had happened from how forlorn the other man's voice sounded... which was a bit surprsing in itself since Sano-san rarely let others know of his own concerns since he was well aware of how other people always looked up to him for advice and support.

Souji sighed. Sometimes he wished that he could be like Sano-san in how he could talk to ease the minds of others... perhaps then he would know what to say to Kondou-san to make things even a tiny bit better. "...How's everyone holding up?"

"Honestly... not well." To say that Souji wasn't concerned for his comrades... _who probably didn't count him among them anymore,_  in the Shinsengumi would be an outright lie, but at the same time, he had to admit how he wasn't feeling particularly caring for them now that they had time to reflect on the future. One that wouldn't include him.... and oddly enough, that realization had really made him symathize with Chizuru-chan since he could only imagine how useless she felt when Yamazaki-kun died on her watch. "Most of them are hoping that the shogun's forces are thinking of some strategy to push the Imperials back.... but some of us aren't so optimistic given what happened at Toba-Fushimi."

There was a rare flash of anger in Sano-san's eyes, and Souji knew that the spear-man, likely with Shinpat-san, belonged to that group of people. It was too hard to believe that any army wouldn't _not_  have reservations if its leader left them for dead as choose to run away to safety. No one who called themself a samurai would have ever committed such a horrendous act.

"As you'd expect though, Kondou-san and Hijikata-san still intend to do what they can for the shogunate.... though personally, I'm not sure what can be done given the Satcho's weaponry...." He frowned as he lowered his gaze and gripped the hilt of his katana as if to say that there were limits to their skills... which was extremely hard to admit given the Shinsengumi's dedication to the blade and spear.

"Makes sense...." It more than sucked acknowledging how a lifetime in pursuit of the mastery of a weapon could simply be overturned by a weapon that only directed than fired from a distance.... That meant they still relied on humans to wield them... which was one of the few areas that could be exploited by a rasetsu under the right circumstances....

 _Ah... screw it._  He shook his head for a moment as if such an action would halt his damnable indecision. It'd be better to get at least some input than have him remain indecsive and twiddling his thumbs... and while he knew that the Rasetsu Corps had been decimated, at the very least, Souji could say that he had a body to contribute to those numbers.... It was, after all, one unit that wouldn't be having any volunteers to join its ranks anytime soon. "Do we even have the numbers? I heard pretty much every division took casualties... and that the Rasetsu Corps is especially lacking."

"Souji, you..." There's an obvious glint of realization in Sano-san's eyes as they widened, and although it was soon replaced by a look of obvious disapproval, there wasn't a hint of condemnation in them. "You should already know in how I'm like Shinpachi in being against using that stuff... even if I needed it to survive."

"Sano-san... would you stop me?" Souji knows that his own smile is self-mocking seeing how pained the other looked at his question, but he still found himself nevertheless grateful in how he wouldn't be needing to lie to Sano-san about this. "You weren't around for it to hear it, but Sanan-san did say that the Ochimizu would likely cure so-called incurable diseases...."

He sighed. "No matter how terrible I think that stuff is... or how awful I think it was for our own comrades to be experimented on for the sake of that because of the shogun's orders... I can't deny that thing is also why Heisuke is still alive today, to which I am glad for.... and because of that... I don't have the right to say anything to stop you, Souji."

"Is that so..." Of all the Shinsengumi executives, Sano-san was probably the most conflicted in his personal feelings on the Ochimizu since he was one of its most caring of its members.... and Souji knew he could count on him to speak frankly. "Anything else to add then?"

Sano-san paused and shook his head weakly with a look of resignation on his face that told Souji that he already knew of what he waanted... and of saying anything else was likely pointless. "Before you do anything... at the very least ask Heisuke or Sanan-san about what they've gone through so you know what you're getting in to from the latest batch that was created. You'll at least have a better idea of what will happen to you then since the Satcho do seem to have a better understanding of the rasetsu than we do."

That was probably also a subtle reminder for him not to do anything rash while on their journey for Edo since they both knew how ingesting the Ochimizu was supposed to be extremely painful, and how their current enclosed environment would expose him a lot sooner if he did so... while the rest was sound advice since it would be helpful to know what would happen if he was shot by silver bullets. "You're not going to mention Hajime-kun?"

"...He's spending most of his time looking after Chizuru since she's still upset about Yamazaki, vice-commander's orders he says... and she would certainly try and stop you if you brought it up around her... which I know you wouldn't want." There's a knowing look in the man's eyes as he let out a wry laugh, one that lacked even the slightest hints of mirth. "As for Saito himself... knowing him and what he thinks of duty... it's easy to guess as to why he would use it and if had indeed been because of Chizuru... and while I have no idea of what he might think of the Ochimizu itself or if he'd be willing to tell you about his own experience... you can't rule out him telling Hijikata-san since he is worried about you in his own way if you don't handle it properly."

 _I know he does._  "...And our demon vice-commander would probably go and tell Kondou-san." That unfortunately made very much sense as a reason for why he shouldn't go speaking with the most objective of the Shinsengumi executives about his own experience with the Ochimizu, though Souji would have to admit he would prefer Hajime-kun's opinions and thoughts over Sanan-san's, as the man now seemed to have become more obsessed with the stuff.... or Heisuke's, since he had always come across as a bit more indecisive and even immature. Still... if he approached the matter properly, he didn't believe that Hajime-kun wouldn't keep a secret for him. Not for something like this.

"It's up to you though since this is your life and your choice." Despite how he was still smiling while he spoke, Sano-san's eyes looked quite sad as he turned to look back towards the ocean. "Either way, we're still a ways out from Edo no matter what you decide, though once we do get there... I heard there are arrangements for you to be looked after by Dr. Matsumoto again. Possibly in Sendagaya."

In other words, once they reached Edo, he'd lose any chance of access to the Ochimizu since it had already been decided how he'd be cut off from the rest of the Shinsengumi... and for good this time... as all the time he had now was his last chance to decide if he was to die as the Sword of the Shinsengumi or as a sick invalid in bed.... "Thanks... Sano-san."

"Don't thank me. Not for this." The voice that answers him is detached and devoid of emotion but Souji finds himeslf genuinely smiling nonetheless at the response. Sano-san... really and truly cared for the well-being of each member of Shinsengumi unlike anyone else... and probably too much when considering just how much he thoughtful he was about everyone.

They don't say anything else after that, and while Souji indeed finds that being outside does make him feel a bit better, he has to return to his room after about an hour since he's tired and doesn't want to somehow collapse in front of anyone, much less anywhere in the open.

* * *

It's when he feels a damp cloth being placed on his head does Souji realize he had fallen asleep, and the dimness of his room indicated to him it was now evening. Just how long had he been sleeping...? Taking a moment to ponder the question, his eyes widened slightly, as he realized just who it was hovering beside him.... Why would she have come? "Chizuru-chan... why...?"

"Okita-san!" Her hand withdraws from him almost immediately along with the cloth, and her face, illuminated by a lantern she had moved near her, wore an expression of worry as he tried to get up. "Um, I'm sorry. Harada-san asked me to check on you, and you weren't looking that well so I..."

"Yukimura felt that you were unnaturally hot and she was trying to take the iniative to cool you down." The voice speaking is enough to stop him from moving, and really leaves him with no recourse but to lie back down since he can hear the unforgiving firmness behind it.

"...Hajime-kun." While he was genuinely surprised that the silent swordsman was in his room and due to Sano-san's intervention, Souji was slightly annoyed how he hadn't noticed him until he had spoken.... though in fairness, he wasn't really able to really see around his room with how dark it was... or with Chizuru-chan blocking most of his sight from where he was resting. His senses really weren't what they used to be...

"Do you mind if I continue, Okita-san?" Honest eyes with genuine concern in them and a slightly nervous voice asking for his permission are what pulls his attention away from the man who Souji knew he had lost all chances in defeating, back towards the girl who he knew had chosen another. "Now that you're awake... it's not appropriate for me to continue unless you say it's okay."

While he thought that Chizuru-chan was likely worrying about something nonsensical again, taking a closer look at her, he found that her eyes looked extremely tired and looked unnaturally sad... so it probably true that she was still bothered about how the last person she tried treating died... and because it did make sense for her to want his consent due to her upbringing as the daughter of a doctor. "It's fine, Chizuru-chan. Go ahead."  
  
She nods quietly, putting the cloth in her hands into a bucket of cool water he couldn't see before placing it back on his forehead, but not before she placed her palm against it for a moment. Her hand was so gentle and soft... "Your temperature has gone down quite a bit and your complexion looks a lot better, Okita-san... Harada-san told me you went outside today, and I'd advise you to continue doing so in the future, though probably not for long periods of time if possible since it can get bit cold outside, especially because of the ocean winds...."

Listening to Chizuru-chan now as she began making some recommendations on how he could possibly improve his health and breathing, including something about trying to to sleep with his upper body propped up a bit... Souji found himself smiling, albeit more than a bit bitterly. The girl still wore her heart on her sleeve and spoke with such sincerity that he knew someone like her would never be able to fake... though he also knew that it was only because of how sick he was, was she currently worrying to such a degree over him.... He sighed as she continued, barely paying attention to her beautiful sounding words as he watched her face and eyes... so annoyingly full of concern. If Chizuru-chan was light.... he was the darkness that could never reach her....would never reach her. All he could do now was watch whatever light she cast his way... though he wished it would stop as he knew that her light was meant for someone else.

"Okita-san, are you all right?" Seeing such a dismayed expression from Chizuru-chan... he wondered if he had given her some indication of how he really wasn't really listening to what she was saying... or if his face had somehow gone and betrayed his thoughts since Souji knew that he couldn't help but feel upset at himself. He knew very well how annoyed he could get whenever he felt himself wanting to let his guard down around Chizuru-chan... though at the same time, he wanted nothing more than to push her and her kindness away.

As cruel as it was... he doesn't want her to see him like this, much less involve herself with someone like him than need be... not when she was already needed by someone else.... and not when Souji knew that his own presence would cause her further pain. He already knew how his own sickness was affecting Kondou-san.... and one of the last things he wanted was for Chizuru-chan to suffer even more than she already was.... especially since he knew that any pain of hers would be shouldered by Hajime-kun.

While purposefully causing undue suffering towards Chizuru-chan and Hajime-kun was unacceptable.... Souji knew that he would have to do something unpleasant to push Chizuru-chan away.... Truly, he wanted her gone so that she wouldn't need to dwell on him dying over this accursed disease.... and it would be so much better for everyone if he never saw her again....

"Of course, I'm not." He narrowed his eyes as Chizuru-chan's widened. _Good._  "What's the point of you trying to do anything anyway? Even I know that what I have is incurable... so I don't really see why you even bother."

"I mean, I was under the impression that you've already seen how people in my condition end up Chizuru-chan.... so you should already know that I'll be dropping dead soon anyway." He had to talk relatively quickly or Hajime-kun would interrupt him, and Souji knew that regardless of what he said, the other would remain dutifully silent as he was too respectful of his elders... even when he didn't deserve it. "Not everyone can be like you and afford to waste time doing something pointless..."

"And you even trying to do something for me is certainly pointless since you should know more than me _if_  I can even get better." As Chizuru-chan's shock turned to disbelief and her expression twisted in grief, he steeled his heart. From the way she looked now.... if he didn't say something to hurt her even more, Chizuru-chan would undoubtedly use this opportunity to argue against him in favour of keeping him alive... and he really didn't want to hear her now. The last thing he wanted to hear was her beautiful voice saying that it wanted didn't want him to die....

"I already know that I'm going to end up like Yamazaki-kun, so really, why do you bother? Is it that you just can't find something better to do with your time...?" He smiled. _Sorry Yamazaki-kun.... I swear, this will be the last time I ever speak poorly of you in any way..._. "Well, even I know Yamazaki-kun ended up.... and that _was_  with your help..." Chizuru-chan would cry with this wouldn't she...? "It just goes to show that there are some things you can't do anything about no matter how much you wish it... or no matter how you try...."

He laughed for a moment, shaking his head. What he said could equally be applied to him..... and Souji honestly felt relieved seeing how pained Chizuru-chan seemed to be as she bit down on her lip while her hands balled themselves into fists.

"Souji, that's enough." Hajime-kun's words cut through the air like a blade as he took advantage of his purposefully long pause, before physically moving to support Chizuru-chan, with an obviously disapproving look on his face as he glared at him. For a moment, it looked as if Hajime-kun wanted to strike him before he turned back towards Chizuru-chan... who now looked as if she was trying to hold back a deluge of emotion. "Yukimura, would you mind getting Souji his medicine for me?" While Hajime-kun's voice sounded firm, he could hear a gentleness to it. One that was only reserved for when he spoke to Chizuru-chan... "The chief hasn't brought it to him today yet."

"...I understand." Despite how he had pushed her to the verge of tears, Chizuru-chan still forced a radiant smile for him before her gaze shifted back towards Hajime-kun, who probably gave her some look with his his eyes seeing how her expression relaxed ever so slightly before bowing and leaving his room as if fleeing, and once the door closed behind her, Hajime-kun let out a long sigh.

"Souji.... why did you do that?" Their interaction.... seeing it Souji understood. Hajime-kun... whether he knew it or not, was supporting Chizuru-chan so that she wouldn't break down into pieces. He was someone who could be relied on to appear as if there was nothing wrong... and for someone like Chizuru-chan who worried everyday _if she was going to be discarded as someone useless to the Shinsengumi_ , that was likely immensely helpful.

"Why do you think I did that?" Ah... how annoying it was to know that Hajime-kun always seemed to be ready to speak up for Chizuru-chan, and Souji could practically imagine the reprimand coming if he didn't explain himself. "What I did was for Chizuru-chan's own good... and mine." He paused, shaking his head, as if that would somehow stop these feelings of his. Too much of a good thing really was bad.... "I like seeing Chizuru-chan, really I do... but at the same time, I know my own body well enough and while I appreciate her intentions... she shouldn't see me." The other man frowned, likely because they both knew that Chizuru-chan's upbringing and education made her the most qualified person to look after him... and his expression was demanding that he continue.

"You should know more than me if the kid is or isn't still upset about Yamazaki-kun... but really. She's been through enough. The oni, an insane father who abandoned her and created the Ochimizu, being forcibly kept the deadliest killers and Kyoto who have threatened to kill her more than once, plus now has you to worry about..." He let out a long sigh. Hajime-kun was never one to understand how people worried, let alone cared about him... "I don't want to add to that.... and I especially don't want to have the kid's last memories of me... to be of me slowly dying in bed. I'd rather Chizuru-chan remember me as the Shinsengumi's First Division Captain who threatened to kill her for who knows how many times.... and not the sick invalid I am now."

Whether or not Hajime-kun understood his intentions or his motivations, Souji could only hope so seeing the flash of genuine anguish in his colleague's normally serene eyes... though that display emotion quickly disappeared as he lowered his head slightly as if to contemplate. Of all the captains, Hajime-kun knew him best... so he could probably understand how it went without saying that there were more reasons for not wanting Chizuru-chan to see him in such a state that he wasn't willing to say... "I understand. However, Souji... do not blame me for getting the chief or vice-commander involved if you do not follow her recommendations. You do need to take care of your health... and you never listening is reason enough for Yukimura to worry as the daughter of a doctor."

The tone of the words that come at him are cold and harsh, but he knew that he couldn't not expect less from Hajime-kun. It was just so typical of him to bring the Shinsengumi's leadership to threaten him since as they were _technically_  of the same rank... and Hajime-kun still treated him as such despite how his sword was now more than useless... and he knew that despite the other man's silence, he did worry about him. "Alright..."

Once he gave his assent, Hajime-kun sighed, pressing his fingers to the bridge of his nose, likely understanding that there was no point in pressing him further on the subject. "Souji... Sano said you wanted to speak to me?"

"Yeah... though I would appreciate you keeping this between us...." His voice trailed off. Now that the person in question is here though... Souji admittedly wasn't sure how to best going about asking him.... and as if Hajime-kun understood the reason for hesitation, he handed him a cup of something, water or tea, not that he could taste the difference anymore and sipped that for a while as he sorted his thoughts. There was no real need to ask Hajime-kun about his experience with drinking the Ochimizu.... since he could care less about pain and suffering. He had become very used to pain and suffering... and anger.

"....Hajime-kun... if you lost the ability to use your sword as a warrior, what lengths would you go to regaining that sword of yours?" He spoke quietly in the knowledge that the other's silence was neither a confirmation nor a denial... yet.

"I...." While it wasn't exactly common knowledge as for why Hajime-kun had joined the Mibu Roshigumi, Souji had some ideas... and because of what being a member of the Shinsengumi could mean for those who were no longer samurai. "...I would do anything to see that my sword was restored to my hands."

The tone he responded with was sincere yet distant and given that, Hajime-kun probably had some ideas as to for why he was asking. Like his own desire to be a samurai, all Souji wanted to do was sharpen his own blade for Kondou-san... as it was the only way to validate his existence. "I see. Also Hajime-kun....do you believe that a wolf... can still be considered a beast even if it has lost the usage of its claws?"

The man's eyes seemed startled at his question, and he carefully narrowed them as if to tell him that he understood the motivation behind such a question as Hajime-kun wore the look of a man whose sword was his life... Seeing such an expression, Souji let out a long sigh - well, one that was as long he could manage. When it came down to it... while Hajime-kun could be very understanding, he was uncompromising when it came to any decision that was related to the Shinsengumi....

He looks at him directly in the eye. "No matter what happens, I will always think of you as the Shinsengumi's First Division Captain... a sword of the Shinsengumi... a master of Tennen Rishin Ryū... and one of the first to acknowledge the existence of my sword." Hajime-kun's words were softly spoken, but they carried an enormous weight.

"I see...." No matter what happens, is it...? That is to say that he was still the Sword of the Shinsengumi... and a blade for Kondo-san regardless of what state he found himself in... just like Hajime-kun was still a Shinsengumi captain and samurai despite having drunk the Ochimizu and discarding his humanity... _A Wolf of Mibu indeed._

A quiet silence fell between the two, and while Souji considered his words, he had to admit that Hajime-kun really did know him best... and while he didn't outright speak out against what he was thinking about, he didn't condemn him for it either. Probably because he was like Sano-san and didn't think he had any right to given his own choice.... and because if either of them mentioned that subject, he'd probably feel that he had no choice but to go and tell Hijikata-san...

Still... he had to wonder. Would Hajiime-kun wield his blade against him to stop him from taking the Ochimizu? While there was no question that he would if was ordered to, and with no mercy at that, given his commitment to the Shinsengumi... Hajime-kun would probably also fight to stop him if he _truly_  though that he was going to forcefully do something that he shouldn't be doing in his state...

As Souji did his best to ignore the gentle knock at his door that Hajime-kun responded to, and of how he had opened the door only a small crack, either to prevent him from being seen by her or to spare him from seeing Chizuru-chan before she left again, Souji truly felt wanted to to stab Hajime-kun seeing how considerate he was of her feelings, regardless if he was conscious or not about it. Although the Third Division hadn't been outright prohibited of speaking of what happened to its captain, though Hijikata-san did ban the mentioning of the Ochimizu, it wasn't hard for Souji to obtain some information from his former subordinates regarding what occurred between Hajime-kun and Kazama... including the fact that Chizuru-chan had offered herself to Kazama, promising to do whatever he wished..... if only he spared Hajime-kun.

Knowing that Hajime-kun probably didn't even know how the kid thought of him as way more than just a stalwart guardian who was only looking after her because of his duty, even though there was no way that Chizuru-chan would have offered her life and future - _her everything,_  to Kazama if she didn't care for him.... Souji fought the urge to sigh again as he watched Hajime-kun return to his bedside along with the medicine Chizuru-chan had given him. Out of all the Shinsengumi aside from Kondou-san... Hajime-kun would be the one he was most worried about.....

"Hajime-kun." Once the younger man finished helped him drink his medicine, Souji grabbed him by the front of his kimono as best he could. "Promise me one thing?"

Watching Hajime-kun's brow furrow unhappily, likely since Souji would have to admit how he sounded like he was saying his last words, he smiled weakly. Perhaps these words would be the last thing he could ever say to his former partner... the Third Division Shinsengumi Captain who always had his back and would be at his left, and Souji knew that despite everything, he couldn't just say nothing since he would miss Hajime-kun, and certainly didn't want him to die.... especially when considering what that would do to Chizuru-chan. "Hajime-kun.... if you dare let Chizuru-chan out of your sight when I'm gone... I'm going to kill you."

While his threat was more than empty given how he lacked the strength to make his voice sound even a bit firmer, Souji felt somewhat gladdened, and even managed to genuinely smile seeing how seriously Hajime-kun nodded before he released him, though not without him looking very confused for a moment as it appeared he had no idea of what his intentions were. _Stupid oblivious tofu sword idiot._

They don't really speak of anything else of sustenance after since neither of them want to cause problems or engage in pointless conversation, though Souji is grateful for what words are spoken as he receives various pieces of insight on the other Shinsengumi leaders' movements. This was information which Souji knew was already far more than what the other would normally allow himself to provide given the circumstances and in the knowledge of what this was going to be used for....

It's only when Kondou-san arrives at his room with his dinner, does Hajime-kun excuse himself, though it was not without causing more pain as Souji knew that he would be moving to Chizuru-chan's side again.

Still.... one day, he... no, _they._

One day, _they_  would hopefully be okay....

_Unlike him..._


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was partially inspired by the saito-hen musical.....

Kondou-san was now dead....? And he had been beheaded?

Forget standing, Souji found that he genuinely could not breathe as he tried to process the news. What had Hijikata-san been doing to allow Kondou-san to die? 

"Souji, are you okay....?!" Although Heisuke asked what could only be called a stupid question, he knew such a question _was_ a reasonable response for pretty much collapsing on the other man since Souji felt that he barely had the strength to even stand. Still, he was grateful that Heisuke at least had the decency to show his face and tell him the details of what happened whereas Hijikata-san had lied to his face about Kondou-san's circumstances.........

"What... what was Hijikata-san doing?" Disregarding the questions, Souji struggled to keep himself steady. After all, unlike Kondou-san, he was still in possession of a body, though it did have more than a foot in the grave. "He said that Kondou-san was fine...."  

There was a look on Heisuke's face that suggested he wanted to say something, but instead shook his head. Heisuke probably had some idea of just how angry he was... especially if he knew about Hijikata-san's visit. "We did everything we could, Souji. Hijikata-san, Souma, Nomura and even Iba.... they tried everything to coordinate an effort to get Kondou-san released, but nothing they did got the shogunate to move." 

"Why....?" It was a question Souji unfortunately knew had no answers as he wondered if there tears in his eyes as he looked at Heisuke in despair. No matter how much he hated Hijikata-san for lying about Kondou-san, rationally, even Souji would be loathed to admit how he acknowledged that there was a limit that the vice-commander of the Shinsengumi would be able to do.... rather whatever it had been renamed to, in influencing the Sat-cho or the shogunate. "How did this happen....?"

Heisuke's expression visibly darkened for a moment before grabbing his shoulders. "You're going to need to sit down first."

And so he does.

* * *

"....Unfortunately, I don't have all the details about what happened beyond that since I haven't heard anything about it from HIjikata-san... or anyone else.... since I wasn't there when it occured and was trying to find Sanan-san at the time." 

A bitter smile, likely one of despair, formed on Souji's face when he finished listening to Heisuke's explanation, and part of him truly felt gratified hearing that Hajime-kun and Shimada-kun both wanted to stay alongside Kondou-san.... rather than head to Aizu right away, though part of him seriously hated the reason why Hajime-kun had agreed to leave. Hijikata-san had spoken of carrying on the name of the Shinsengumi.... which was reason enough for Souji to know that, despite everything, Kondou-san had entrusted the Shinsengumi to his... _no,_ to _their_  vice-commander. 

Unfortunately, it's due to his own understanding of why Hajime-kun was forced into going that he knew that Souji knew that despite his desire to murder HIjikata-san for allowing Kondou-san to die..... and deep down, no matter what happened, he also knew that Kondou-san would want the Shinsengumi to survive.... which plainly meant that he could not go and kill Hijikata-san.... though Souji honestly doubted that it would be the last cruel joke life would be playing on him given his insanely terrible and bad luck.

"At least Sanan-san is dead." Souji's tone was flat as he thought of the former executive and his transformation from trusted aide to disgraced traitor. Both Heisuke and Hijikata-san seemed to be in agreement that it was because of the Ochimizu that Sanan-san had done such a thing.... though neither of them knew if it was because of that poison warping his mind or due to his obsession for obtaining a more powerful version of the drug that led him down such a path. Such an answer would unfortunately never be provided.... as Souji knew better than most how dead men told no tales. "Has the Ochimizu affected you like that Heisuke?"

"Me? Nah. Though it's probably because that I know that all I have left to give will be for the Shinsengumi..." Heisuke's expression looked almost wistful as he looked away, and his eyes looked extremely distant. He had the look of a man who only had one thing that mattered left to him in the entire world..... "It's why my mind has been mostly grounded from what comes with being a rasetsu.... as it's something to hold onto through worst of the pain.... to keep me from losing myself."

"To ground yourself... is it?" Sanan-san wanting to have his arm restored so that he could help the Shinsengumi, then deciding that improving the Ochimizu was the only way he could contribute likely did contribute to him losing himself... especially when considering how much time and effort he had put into his research..... Research that repeatedly failed to produce any results beyond Sanan-san's initial breakthrough, one that Souji would acknowledge was quite a feat in itself given how the Ochimizu originally turned warriors into raving beasts that had no minds at all, though everything must have made him look and feel more than worthless upon learning of Kodo's breakthrough as the insane doctor's work surpassed everything he had done in all capable aspects....

"Yeah. It helps in reinforcing my decision to follow Hijikata-san to the very end.... and that has only strengthened my resolve in keeping my mind strong since I don't think I can betray our friends who were and are still in the Shinsengumi..... At least not anymore." Responding in a voice that almost sounded enlightened, Heisuke smiled. Perhaps it helped to have something or someone to unconditionally rely on or believe in that kept Heisuke from losing himself like Sanan-san.... and that likely meant that Hajime-kun hadn't lost himself yet either since Souji knew that man was still doing his best for the Shinsengumi.... even while he was being supported by Chizuru-chan's unconditional care for him. "Though experiencing bloodlust isn't like anything I can describe and it is extremely painful....."

"I see....." In all honesty, Souji could care less about whatever supposed pain Heisuke was talking about. After all, pain was something that the had become quite accustomed to.... rather had no choice in accepting the way it tormented him every single moment he drew a breath given the way his illness progressed and how that affected his sword. He had experienced pain from knowing that his comrades fought while he could do nothing.... pain from knowing how the Shinsengumi had been defeated..... pain from knowing how useless he was in helping Kondou-san.... and now there was the pain from knowing how he would never again be able to raise his blade for the one he respected the most....

"So Souji, what are you going to be doing now?" Letting out a long sigh, Heisuke's eyes met his, and there was only conviction in his expression... which admittedly seemed a bit out of place given Souji's belief of how immature the man was when they had been in Kyoto. Now though... Hajime-kun aside, to think that Heisuke had been able to make such a firm decision... honestly made Souji feel jealous.

"Me?" As he considered the question, Souji didn't know what he could say. After all, Kondou-san... the Shinsengumi.... his sword... that was all Souji thought he had.... even if he could no longer wield his sword properly because of his condition. Unfortunately, now that Kondou-san was dead, Souji truly felt that he had nothing now... 

"Yeah. You should be doing what you want. As yourself. So what is it that you plan on doing now?" The knowing glance he gave him suggested that Heisuke knew of exactly what Souji had done before forcibly placed under Dr. Matsumoto's supervision, though he couldn't tell if that was from him coming to his own conclusions or if he had heard about it from Sano... before the latter also left the Shinsengumi with Shinpachi. 

"I....." In the end, Souji hadn't taken the Ochimizu that he had stolen because he knew that Dr. Matsumoto, who had been monitoring him, had also providing semi-regular updates to the Shinsengumi about his health, and since he didn't think he could face Kondou-san if it was reported that he chose to become a rasetsu when he visited along with Hijikata-san.... but now? The doctor had headed north to support the rest of the shogunate's forces, Hijikata-san was heading to Aizu to rejoin Hajime-kun, Chizuru-chan, and the rest of the Shinsengumi, and as the one person who gave his life meaning that he never wanted to disappoint was now dead, there techincally wasn't anyone holding him back now..... so why had he felt so resigned into doing nothing despite everything? 

Was it just that he no longer had a reason to wield his blade? Did he no longer believe, despite how it had been a name that he had ironically gotten from Sanan-san of all people, that he had could even think of himself the Sword of the Shinsengumi? Was it that he no believed that he could no longer call himself a Shinsengumi warrior given his disgust with the shogun? Or was there nothing that made him feel anything at all since he felt more than dead on the inside...?

Almost as if he had some idea of his inner turmoil and probably needed some time to sort out his thoughts, Heisuke tightly gripped him by the shoulder before standing up. "Souji.... You should be doing what _you_  want. Regrets won't get you anywhere."

"Heisuke...!" There's nothing he can do in his current state but watch the former Eighth Division Shinsengumi captain turn his back towards him as he made his way the room's door without looking towards him... Leaving Souji with a sight he truly loathed since each time he had been greeted by - namely someone's back. It was the sight he had seen whenever he had been given what now felt like, and had been especially true in Kondou-san's case, their final farewell to him.... Hijikata-san. Sano. Shinpachi. Chizuru-chan..... and Hajime-kun..... They had all left him behind.... 

Just before he closed the door though, Heisuke stopped for a moment. "....If you find a reason to be a warrior again, see you by the main street. I'll be leaving for Aizu once night arrives." 

* * *

It was probably an hour after Heisuke left when Souji managed to dress himself in the Western clothes Kondou-san had left him.... the last memento he had from him as the Chief of the Shinsengumi....  before turning his attention to the glass vial that he had kept hidden in his kimono ever since he had stolen it from the Shinsengumi. Staring at its contents as he held it in his hand, it was so strange to think that such a tiny amount of liquid could turn men into beasts and push their minds to the edges of insanity.... 

If it was for Kondou-san's sake, to cut down his enemies, Souji knew that he wouldn't hesitate to drink the Ochimizu.... though he had to admit that because Kondou-san was dead, did Souji not exactly know what to do with himself. While Souji understood how he clearly defined Kondou-san's enemies as his own, those same enemies, by the same extension, were also Hijikata-san's enemies.... but given what happened, there was no way he could ever follow Hijikata-san again, regardless of what the Shinsengumi meant to him and Kondou-san. 

Even with what Hijikata-san had done however... Souji new that he had to see the man again before making his final decision on what he was going to do with whatever life he had left in him.... which would give him a goal that he could work towards as he had no intention of losing his mind like how Sanan-san did, as he owed his vice-commander and Kondou-san that. Still... Souji knew that despite his own resolve, and of his awareness of when the reports of corpses being hacked by the Shinsengumi's rasetsu started becoming more common when they had patrolled Kyoto, he was probably more susceptible to deteriorating quicker as he was more like Sanan-san than he would like to admit. After all, like Sanan-san, Souji perhaps knew what it was like to go more than a little mad while he was forced to watch everything he knew crumble around him, and he knew what it felt like to be in the depths of despair..... which, strangely enough, caused him not to feel the anger he would have expected at Sanan-san's betrayal, not that Souji wasn't extraordinarily upset with had happened.

Letting out a deep breath as Souji forced himself to think of something else lest his mind turn to more morbid thoughts, he retrieved his katana and slowly undid his topknot. Leaving it up..... oddly felt wrong since there wasn't really any reason to keeping his hair like that anymore because Souji knew that he would never again be able to use his sword for Kondou-san.... and instead needed to forge his own path since he was now a master-less and solitary sword.... One that would be completely of the darkness. 

The idea of becoming such a sword.... oddly made Souji feel somewhat peaceful as he slowly walked outside to see what sunlight was still out..... almost as if to bid it and the warmth he felt basking in its gentle light, a final farewell as he tightened his grip on the poison in his hand. Judging from the shadows, there was still plenty of time left until Heisuke's deadline, but once Souji felt that his body had been sufficiently warmed up, he headed back to his room, and formally kneeled in the direction where Kondou-san had last spoken to him before bowing once.

Twisting off the vial's cap with his teeth, Souji smiled. Dying while lying in bed just wasn't his style.... _Isn't that right, Hajime-kun?_

 

 


End file.
